Can I Tell You A Secret?

I'm not saying that I am the dumbest or the most worthless human being in the world or that you're somehow better than me. I'm just saying that I'm pretty incapable of even the most simple things and that I am utterly lacking in whatever skills you might think I have. There are many, many things that I do badly or that I cannot do. I cannot walk in a straight line, perform surgery, or sing in key. I have difficulty paying attention to whatever task is at hand, remembering appointments, and making intelligent decisions. That isn't to say that I am worthless, I am just of little worth. I'm often capable of making funny remarks. THIS isn't one of them and they are usually only superficially funny. Actually, most of them are offensive and unpleasant when examined, but fortunately few people are engaged enough or intelligent enough to examine my motives. Sometimes I write well, but that skill is severely limited by my limited education, narrow-minded simplifications, bad moods. I am in a bad mood right now and, as you can see, I've been reduced to self-deprecation and, if I do not soon go to the lavatory, self-defecation. See? Another cheap and crude joke. If you even smiled at it, you must have the intellect of a child.

OH! Something new! I am in a bad mood and in the mood to abuse someone. I've pretty much exhausted my self-abuse, but I can always abuse the charlatans who read my blog. What fun! I'm sure I know almost all of them. Hey everybody! Go fuck yourselves, ok? I'm going to keep writing this here blog and you're going to keep reading my trite little gripes until I'm of a better disposition. This could take awhile, but you're not going anywhere. I could scarcely be more unpleasant than I am now without punching babies and torching churches. I could punch a church, but then who suffers? I DO. You're a fool for suggesting it.

Interestingly (a transition word between paragraphs that is, in this case untrue), if you and I were to exchange words right now, I would probably seem no different than usual. That's because I'm generally unpleasant, or at least awkward and off-putting. Still, I'd probably be glad to see you if only for an audience for my misery. I do love an audience. In fact, that is one of my worst traits; I'm kind of a show-off in an understated and unboastful sort of way. For example, if someone is very quiet, I will ramble incessantly and conceivably embarrass them with my jocularity and attention. If, on the otherhand, someone is exceptionally gregarious, I will treat them with contempt and a stony silence. At least I hope that's how I treat them. It's more than likely that these theoretical individuals are getting the wrong idea; I should add to my list of shortcomings that I am often unclear with my body language and that, when explaining myself I am given to what may be termed over-articulation. Like now. This is me being verbose and unpleasant and you're still reading this fucking drivel. My opinion of you has dropped even further, if possible, and because I am fair, I am also positively seething with self-loathing as well.

I should unpack my laundry. It's clean, but crammed into a small bag and it has been for dozens of hours. Two dozen, more or less. It is irretrievably wrinkled now and I will no doubt look like shit for the rest of the week. So it goes, so it always goes. My older t-shirts are getting holes in them and that is only the beginning of my irritation. My shoes have holes in the heels. They were new this winter and now they have holes in them. The holes let in pebbles and water and I make an odd rattling squish with every step. It's repulsive and I find my own footfalls unbearable. To exacerbate the problem, I walked to and from school today in rather wet weather. Whenever possible I walked on gravel. I don't know why I did it. It was cold, 35 degrees, windy, rainy, snowy.

I went to Bar Giuliani to get out of the cold. I ordered a double espresso today. I think I drink it primarily because it is bitter and uncomforting. It also causes me unpleasant convulsions, first as I choke it down, then as the caffeine takes effect. I even waited until is was cold to drink it so that there could be no pleasure in it at all. I am a glutton for punishment and a glutton besides. I ate half a box of Girl Scout cookies last night in the time it takes Brahma to blink. Deep, Deep, Deep! I ate those cookies very quickly indeed.

Speaking of gluttony, I had a delicious sandwich for lunch. It's not that the sandwich was so big. It's just that I ate it in under a minute and, though not very large, neither was it very small. I crammed it into my mouth with an obscene pleasure that I doubt many people could understand. There I go again, debasing my readers. You're debasing yourselves! Think about the trash on this blog and take a look at yourselves. I post news articles without commentary, a testament to my own indecision and unoriginality. I post loathesome entries like this one. I even post entire entries about my bowel movements. You're effectively reveling in my self-loathing and feces. I am disgusted by each and every one of you and I will not give you any further satisfaction. Until I post on this blog again, of course. Stay tuned friends, you can watch the slow deterioration of what once was a fairly serviceable mind.

I feel better already.