A Little Gushy, but True

Target is basically the best place that I have ever been. Target represents all of my hopes and dreams for America. My feelings for our materialist lifestyle are comparable to some people's feelings toward their religion. It is deep and pervasive and indestructable. As often as I disparage my fellow Americans for our politics and moralities and uncomprehensible self-righteousness, I admire and celebrate our prosperity, our selfishness, and our consumerism.

I especially love the Super Targets, replete with their own grocery. Have you noticed how Schnucks, Walmart, Jerry's IGA, and Meijer (Why Pay More!) are always overrun by retards and hicks who mill around with shopping carts (with squeaky wheels) clogging up aisles and crashing into displays? These are the least attractive and least intelligent people on Earth. Everything about them screams of deformity, conservatism, inbreeding, and hay. The Jewel and the Walmart in the suburbs are equally offensive. They have the same cluttered aisles and poor lighting, the same squeaky carts, and a slightly different clientele that nonetheless have the same repulsive aura of incompetence and idiocy.

At every Target, however, everything is clean and orderly, from the stock to the customers. At the Super Target in the suburbs, the produce is always perfectly stacked and perfectly ripe. The meat is beautifully sealed and sits quietly, neither stinking nor leaking juices all over the cart. They have Smart Chicken. They have a delicious in-house gourmet brand called Archer Farms. Shoppers glide around silently, never colliding in their divinely choreographed routine. The produce section has the air of an art gallery, and the shoppers add to that atmosphere, gazing appraisingly at various fruits and vegetables. In a way, the stately shoppers who patronize Super Target contribute to the ambiance of the place, the feeling of standing on hallowed ground. They are the fellow worshipers who bring that glorious chapel to life.

The art of graceful shopping is a difficult skill to master, but I've seen that sweetly elegant dance more at the Super Target than anywhere else on the face of the Earth.