A Call to Land-Dwelling Mammals

I find fish revolting. I find the ocean terrifying. I find lakes and rivers and streams to be foul and perhaps more terrifying than oceans. Oceans are a foreign world to us. We cannot breathe there. Lakes and rivers and streams and brooks and the like are invaders onto our land, sweet terra firma. They’re here to kill us. In fact, they do kill us. They rise and flood and drown and soak us to death. They’re foul and they are our enemies. Like fish. Fish are foreign to us. They live where we cannot and they cannot live where we do. They are aliens. Cold aliens with one thought: swim. They swim all of the time, when they’re awake and when they’re asleep. They can see through their eyelids. They’re always watching, always floating, always hunting. Make no mistake about it: fish are our enemies. Scaly and sharp-toothed, how did anyone ever mistake them for food? Gills are an abomination. Fish are an abomination. Sea creatures of all kinds: abominations. That goes double for the crustacean, triple for the mollusk. Crabs of all kinds, wandering around, thoughtlessly waving their crooked claws and sidestepping through the hostile waters. Clams, lying silently in slimy safety, biding their time before they attack, before they join the tunas and marlins and lobsters in their plot against us. Mollusks seem innocent, but they’re just waiting to learn which way the tide—ha, ha—will turn. Seaweeds are out to trip us up, to ensnare us. Coral reefs are planted like mines to sink our boats. BOATS! Abominations! We have as much business at sea as the fish do on land. We're invaders too. In the war on sealife, we're winning, but the oceans have spies. OH YES! We feed and keep the spies close to our families, in huge tanks near seats of power. God knows what influence they exert—even in the highest echelons of our governments. Aquariums and bowls full of conspirators, sleepless, dreamless agents of the oceans. They gather information and then fake their own deaths and, like chumps, we flush them back to their world to report to their superiors, the sturgeon generals and tacticians that grow more desperate with each passing day. Even the water-dwelling mammals are not to be trusted. The kamikaze whales heave themselves at our shores, killing themselves in the hope of crushing just one infant human. The dolphins cultivate a cult of personality, but millions of stories of dolphin brutality, of the bottle-nosed bastards bludgeoning our youth have gone unreported. We had them for a while with the tuna nets. We had them on the ropes—ha, ha—but they’re back and they’re becoming more underhanded and more skilled with each passing day. The water-dwelling mammals are perhaps the greatest threat to our well-being. If you won’t join me and put an end to the influence of all of these aquatic monsters, I cannot guarantee your safety in the coming days. Land-mammals WILL prevail.

Note: I have recently been informed of a startling fact: my sources suggest that we, land's best bet against this watery menace, are 70% water! See how nefarious their plot?! See how deep their treachery?! What can one do against oneself?!

And that isn't the worst of it. Picture if you will, a polar bear clinging to a melting ice floe. The image should be familiar to you. That polar bear is us. We are that polar bear! We're losing 25000 acres of land a year to the Gulf of Mexico--and that's just from Louisiana! Actually, not a huge loss. But the ice floe IS melting.

More on this as it develops...