Someone with my name resides in Boulder, Colorado. He drives a white Jeep. He works at The Livable Home Store with Julia, Amy, and Judy. He's also friends with a decorator named Beth, who, in turn, has a friend named Kathleen. Kathleen needs a man. Julia found a dog once. Amy had an accident of some kind back in September. Jeff sometimes moonlights as a tutor of elementary school students. Julia is married to a fellow named Nelson. They all fucking love mojitos and they all probably have coffee table books and digital bathroom scales that are made of glass and maybe one even collects paperweights or snow globes. Maybe.

I have many of their email addresses and phone numbers. I also have the name of one of Jeff's students and his parents.

Can you hazard a guess why?

Because, my friends, none of his friends know his fucking email address. They know mine.

I'll spare you the replies I've sent them all, but I assure you they were unsuitably harsh.