On Ska (and the proper care of the Brain Stem)

It is my firm belief that those people who claim not to enjoy ska are denying something fundamental about their hearts, about their souls, about themselves, and about their brain stems.

Sure, tell me that all of the songs sound the same. It's not true, but it's basically true and that's all the more reason to like every ska song. Each ska song can then speak to that most crucial chakra, that region of the body that defines the rhythm of the fluid that feeds the brain stem.

Yes, the brain stem, that frequently disregarded, but absolutely critical element of human being. Where would any of us be without our brain stems? Proper brain stem maintenance necessitates music with a hard 4/4, blaring horns, a firm guitar upstroke, and also apples. Without the natural elements found in apples (and in apple juice, cider, hard cider, sauce, etc.) the brain stem ceases to function and becomes desiccated. As any doctor or orchard owner will tell you, a person can scarcely function without a properly irrigated brain stem set primarily to the 4/4 rhythm.

What more can you do to ensure proper brain stem performance? In addition to the daily consumption of apple beverages, one could expose themselves to any of the following invigorating sounds: the shofar, throat singing, jazz violin, didgeridoo, well-played horns (especially as played by Louis Armstrong, Dizzy Gillespie, Freddie Hubbard). Remember, some people haven't the temperament for horns and their stems require something milder and more versatile like a Bix Biederbeck clarinet. Avoid, for obvious reasons, the french horn, and also vodka and television as these stimuli will twist your brain stem into painful contortions.

Above all, however, avoid hitting your head on the pipes in your local basement bookstore.