Teflon
Today, I am wearing a white tshirt and a pair of khakis. Which reminds me. My khakis are amazing. The one big strike against them is that they are actually khakis and I despise khakis. They are imperialist and they are spelled like something stolen by the British from India. My khakis however, are Teflon-coated. They are, therefore, amazing and wonderful. I can spray them with blood and chocolate sauce. I can spray them with fucking paint (maybe). Nothing phases them. They will wash clean anyway because they are amazing fucking khakis. Once I got black grease on them. Still, they are clean. My Teflon-Coated Imperialist Khakis will trump your pathetic pants any day.
Which reminds me. My roommate is brilliant in spite of his idiocies. Louis is a keeper and lover of vermin. At present, his bedroom is home to two tarantulas and a scorpion named Chairman Mao. Recently, Johnny the ball python moved out, but the place still reeks of snake. Louis, always naive and trusting and expectant of good, accepted a gift from a stranger. Someone offered him a small terrarium full of cockroaches as food for his beloved pets and he took it. Little did he know that within the harmless cage of roaches lurked a great evil. The terrarium was infested with ants. Louis, theoretically unfazed even by gila monsters and coconut crabs (see my entry of February 10th), took matters into his own hands. With the casual aplomb inherent in his being, Louis sprayed the ants with Clorox Bathroom Cleaner WITH TEFLON.
"Louis?"
"Yeah?"
"Why the fuck are you spraying the ants with bathroom cleaner?"
"Teflon", Louis reasoned, "slicks up surfaces."
"So?"
"So, ants get around using these chemical trails that they leave behind. I thought the Teflon might confuse them. It has the added bonus of killing them on contact."
The ants did indeed lose their way. They lost their way through a wall and into my room where they took up residence in my garbage can and file drawers. Imagine picking up your garbage can and finding it SWARMING with ants. (Fucking terrifying. THEY CRAWL ON YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!) J. and I did what any two reasonable human beings would do. We sprayed the fuck out of them with Clorox Bathroom Cleaner with Teflon and we cheered as their segmented little bodies curled into balls of pain. Later, we vacuumed.
True Story.
For the most frightening thing I have ever heard of, see this article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siafu
Which reminds me. My roommate is brilliant in spite of his idiocies. Louis is a keeper and lover of vermin. At present, his bedroom is home to two tarantulas and a scorpion named Chairman Mao. Recently, Johnny the ball python moved out, but the place still reeks of snake. Louis, always naive and trusting and expectant of good, accepted a gift from a stranger. Someone offered him a small terrarium full of cockroaches as food for his beloved pets and he took it. Little did he know that within the harmless cage of roaches lurked a great evil. The terrarium was infested with ants. Louis, theoretically unfazed even by gila monsters and coconut crabs (see my entry of February 10th), took matters into his own hands. With the casual aplomb inherent in his being, Louis sprayed the ants with Clorox Bathroom Cleaner WITH TEFLON.
"Louis?"
"Yeah?"
"Why the fuck are you spraying the ants with bathroom cleaner?"
"Teflon", Louis reasoned, "slicks up surfaces."
"So?"
"So, ants get around using these chemical trails that they leave behind. I thought the Teflon might confuse them. It has the added bonus of killing them on contact."
The ants did indeed lose their way. They lost their way through a wall and into my room where they took up residence in my garbage can and file drawers. Imagine picking up your garbage can and finding it SWARMING with ants. (Fucking terrifying. THEY CRAWL ON YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!) J. and I did what any two reasonable human beings would do. We sprayed the fuck out of them with Clorox Bathroom Cleaner with Teflon and we cheered as their segmented little bodies curled into balls of pain. Later, we vacuumed.
True Story.
For the most frightening thing I have ever heard of, see this article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siafu
posted by jw at
2:02 PM
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